Man. 7 years.
I may be horrible at blogging nowadays, but I am pretty sure that I will return to this website every October 17th for the rest of my life. On the plus side, I feel like I am almost keeping the promise I made to myself to continue writing. For some reason words don't flow out of my mind and onto the internet like they used to.
Maybe it's because of Facebook, or maybe it's because I tend to keep things closer to my chest nowadays.
To be honest, I wasn't sure what I was going to post this year. I still really don't. I took a gander at some of my past entries on this date, and I think of the past 6 entries, this one is my favorite.
I can't believe last year at this time Becca was spending every day with me because M and I separated. So much has changed, it's almost unbearable. I currently live in Chicago. Lindsi and her family are in Phoenix and Zandi's planning on moving hers to Colorado at the end of the month. Grandma Van Schelt passed away suddenly on August 18th. (I'd been in Chicago for 2 days.) Mikey and Vance are still home with Mom, but I worry about her constantly.
It feels so heartless to list these items out one by one. They were (are) all such huge events that deserve to be written about in more detail.
This is the thing that gets me every year. Thinking about how much everything has changed and how you aren't here to witness any of it. This past year in particular has been so trying. So much has changed, Dad. I actually did get into SAIC despite being told I didn't have a shot in Hell. Two months ago I moved to Chicago to pursue a new life. Now that I'm here I am constantly wrestling with the question as to whether or not I made the right decision. I hear this is normal, but you know me, I like to think every struggle I encounter is specific to me, and my life only.
I miss my life in Salt Lake. I miss the comfort of having my closest friends within a short distance. I miss feeling needed. This isn't to say that I hate it here, because I don't. I've been fortunate enough to make some friends. More importantly, I've been forced to spend time alone which has led to some interesting realizations. But still, I'd give anything for a Crown Burger, Teavening, or night of laundry and $5 Pizza.
That's life though, right? Last year at this time I would have given anything to fix my broken relationship, and that would have been the worst possible outcome for me. Curiously today is the first time in quite awhile that I have even thought of that relationship. On the one hand, this is a comfort. I know that I will get over my current struggles as I have in the past. On the other hand this comfort comes at the cost of fading memories, which I'm not yet ready to let go of.
I love you, I miss you, and I miss everyone else I know.
Mallory
0 comments:
Post a Comment